observation 309.24.10


Sitting on the edge, listening with eyes wide open in the dark. I know what I'm thinking; I can't think anymore. But it's out there. I still feel it out there.

With a slow, dying pulse and no relay, no point to bounce a signal, I'm too far away from the nearest connection that I understand as sense. I've streaked past my window again in a glittering shower of sparks on white-hot glowing metal, rolling and tumbling, burning and skittering off into nothingness with the lack of my energy or my breath. One last gasp of air to listen. For nothingness. No wall to hit. Soft weightless nothing. All lines of communication have dropped. The sounds are memories now, unfusing and twisted inside-out as whistling turned to crackling, crackling turned into a few last, audible, intelligible syllables sounded out in a deep, electronic muted tone of 3 beats, "ooww...errrr...ooo," then silence as I'm pushed onward, past understanding, I float away again, back into the black from where I emerged.

It's lonely in the familiar darkness where everything and nothing is possible at the same time, but the sound of your own vacancy will cave your head in and your heart if you don't handle it right. It doesn't matter how many people are in a room, no one can complete you. Focus on the smallest star in the sky, and drive toward it. You have no choice but to keep driving until you hear the signal again. It's there, you just can't see it or where you're going. The easiest part is the trickiest part - that you have to hear it again with your heart.

I will always offer myself up to say no, no matter how much my soul screams yes. I'm wired for that kind of pain. It gives others what they need to pass onto the next step of their own journey into the unknown darkness. They say it's what I'm here to do.




"No Surprises"
"A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent

This is my final fit, my final bellyache with

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please

Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden

No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here) "

- Radiohead